A typical week-day morning for our family always includes checking the school menu. Yep, we’re that family who only eats school lunch if the kids like what’s on the menu. Well, this particular day, the school was serving soft tacos—a huge ICK factor for my entire brood. That meant each boy needed a cold lunch. Sigh. For the most part, the two oldest took care of making their own lunch and I, of course, helped pack lunch for the younger two. In the midst of eating, brushing, getting jackets and snowpants on, I reminded them a couple of times to be sure to put their lunch box in their school bag. Out of the goodness of my heart, knowing how much they despise tacos, I even double-checked with my two younger ones and asked, “Did you put your lunch box in your school bag?” With a bit of an annoying undertone, they reply, “Yes, mom!” I downloaded the hint of rudeness in their answer, yet chose to focus on all that was going right in the moment. Everyone’s bundled for the cold weather and has everything he needs to start his week. Great! Out to the door we went, on our way to school.
We enjoy a little chit-chat on the way to school, and as I pull up to the stop to drop my oldest son off at his bus stop, I said, “Okay, buddy, here you go. Do you have everything you need?” I’m not sure why I asked that. First of all, he’s the first-born and very responsible. Secondly, what was I really going to do if he didn’t have everything he needed? I noticed his load seemed a bit lighter, so I started getting specific, “Do you have your binder?” With a slight eye roll, he responded, “Yes.” “What about your lunch?” I added. In that moment, he looked at me with big eyes and said with a huge sigh, “I forgot it!” But without even a second of hesitation, he said, “You can just bring it to school, right?”
It was at that moment where I felt time stop because I had a huge decision to make. Okay, let’s be real. Huge? Probably not. But significant? Absolutely. We all want to be good, loving parents. We all want to raise responsible kids, right? How are the choices we are making contributing to our kids being responsible? Do you realize that adolescence is moving into the 20s because kids aren’t growing up? And why? Are we swooping into to save them too much? Are we not allowing them to feel the result and consequence of their choices because we want to be loving and kind or we don’t want them to be mad at us? Please. We are the parents, for crying out loud. Enough saving them from the consequences of their actions.
As a Christian parent, I desire deeply to follow God’s ways and teachings so that my boys will grow to love and trust God and be obedient followers of Christ. Intentionally motivating and stimulating responsibility in our kids is an act of discipline on our part, and discipline, according to God, is an act of love. In order for our kids to learn responsibility, we must allow them to feel the result of their actions. We have to allow natural consequences to unfold. It’s the only way they learn that there is a relationship between what they do and what happens to them. Believe it or not, consequences build self-esteem. And when kids learn that their behaviors and choices have consequences, they learn that they have power and control over their choices.
So, I had a choice to make. I had no work demanding my time at that moment. Therefore, I technically could have driven six miles home, picked up his lunch that I’m sure was sitting right on the bench in the mud room and then turn around and drove 12 miles to his school to drop off his lunch so the poor kid wouldn’t starve to death. I’d obviously get the “BEST MOM EVER” award from him because I saved him from having to endure the dreadful taco. Or, I could cease this opportunity to motivate responsibility in my child. I chose the latter. And, yes, I did not have a very happy son. He responded in shock, “What, why not?” I confidently told him why not. Oh, he loved that and demonstrated his appreciation by huffing and puffing as he gathered his things, shut the door awfully hard and stomped his way to the bus stop.
Now, did I feel bad for him? I’ll admit, a little. As parents, we don’t like to see our kids upset or hurting. But I also felt empowered because I’m confident that the choice I made is going to help build him into a confident, responsible young adult. He might not get that now. But, how many more times do you think he’ll forget his lunch on “taco” day? I’m guessing not many because he’ll remember the pain of it and be motivated to be more intentional in his choices. Or, he might actually learn to like tacos! This is a very minor situation—the boy will be fine. He may be a little hungry when he gets home, but he’ll have a yummy lunch waiting for him. My hope is that this minor situation will prepare him for more significant ones in his future.
I’ll admit, I’ve saved him in the past. You may have already figured that out based on his appalled reaction when I told him I wouldn’t be bringing him his lunch. I’ve received calls of forgotten gym shoes or books or projects or instruments, and I’ve willingly saved the day. It may have been a bit inconvenient, but it felt so good to be so loved and appreciated. Clearly, I had a lot to learn. But I’m growing and learning as a parent, and I am now confident in this intentional choice to motivate and stimulate responsibility in my sons. No more “Super Mom” swooping in to “save the day.”
In Proverbs 29, it says, “wise discipline imparts wisdom.” By choosing to motivate responsibility, our kids will learn, first-hand that their choices have consequences. The learning that takes place will make them wise. Our consistent, loving discipline will ultimately teach them to discipline themselves, thereby producing wisdom. Will my son forget his lunch again? Probably. But I’m guessing he won’t expect to be bailed out next time. He will know there is a consequence for his action, and he will have no choice but to accept that.
By all means, keep loving your kids in big ways, my friends. Just be conscious of the choices you make on how to show your love because sometimes what we think may be loving and kind could actually be doing them harm and setting them up for failure. And most importantly, in this whirlwind journey of parenting, pray. Pray for God’s presence and guidance upon your children. It’s hard to imagine, but God loves infinitely more than we are capable of loving. Our love is finite. It has limits. God’s does not. So, do what is possible and leave the impossible up to God.
Breathe peace, my friends.
Natalie
